Self Loather Seeks Subservient

Dear Dame Tripp,
Despite being almost 40, I still suffer from the effects of a childhood in which I was taught by both parents that a woman is inferior to a man. Although I now know this isn’t and never was true I suffer from a lack of self-worth and find it difficult to be assertive or find true love. I’m sick of being pushed around by aggressive men.

Can you give me any tips?
I love your column, by the way!

Thanks, Juanita

Hello Juanita!
You are so right! My column is quite good, isn’t it?

Breaking the vicious cycles of self-loathing engendered by the nefarious effects of propaganda and religion coupled with simple brain-washing techniques which result in the imbecilic behavior of parents will do that to ya!

If it’s really got to you, you’ll find yourself believing not only what they taught you in school and church but what you see and hear in the news too! If you are in this strange netherworld I doubt I can help you until you truly wish to be free. Assuming you still have some free will left - what to do now!

Consider these simple, cold and relatively unknown facts: If all the men in the world disappeared at the same time (I don’t want you men to feel insecure here, I haven’t arranged for this to happen), after a little cry, some counseling, and a little more research we would not only hypothetically be biologically capable of having children without them, but we could also select the sex of the child. This is known as ‘parthenogenesis’.
Let’s keep it real, baby!

As this is of no help to you now, I doubt it makes you feel any better. You probably want to have a normal loving relationship with a man but are so insecure you cannot manage to do so. The key lies in truly, truly loving you, something I myself learned to do quite easily. I have never regretted it. They will tell you that unless you can love yourself, accepting the authentic you, glitches and all, you will neither be able to give or receive love adequately. This, of course, is all bollocks. What they mean is, you’d better love you best because nobody else can do it properly. It’s called being self-ish in women but known as ambition in men.

Take a course in assertiveness training first of all. Seek counseling to release the trauma. Ear candling will help to ease the impact of all the negativity and sexist rubbish you will have to listen to for your entire life.
Ear candling is easy; simply take a lit ear candle and insert it flame first up the rear end of the loved one(s) who have ruined your life with their unmitigated rubbish and unreasonable demands. The ensuing yells will have a strangely releasing effect on you, via the eardrums.

As you are now probably effectively ruined for life, you must seek an alternative to loneliness. When you think you can handle it, find a subservient male with a mother complex who will wait on you hand and foot and pamper you forever. A good technique for finding this special person is to run an advert such as the one found in the link below.

Mrs. Parker seeks subservient males

I hope this helps, Juanita.
Dame Wotta