Concrete Proof Is In The Graham Pudding

Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
Last month I visited my Great Aunt Myrtle for the first time since I was a child, my itinerary as a traveling salesman having on this occasion brought me conveniently close to her home. She received me rather coolly, I felt, but was polite. Since I was the guest, I phoned for a medium sized pizza for our dinner, and, that eaten, my aunt informed me that she habitually retired early, and went to bed. More out of habit than anything else, I left my shoes outside my bedroom door at bed-time, and then went to sleep.

In the morning I retrieved my shoes and found to my amazement that they were both full of hardened concrete. Since I travel light I had only my bedroom slippers to wear when I walked through a foot of snow to my car, after a breakfast of steamed Graham crackers.

I did not mention the unusual shoe incident to Aunt Myrtle at breakfast, but I still consider it puzzling, and would like you to tell me whether you consider there was any significance in the event.

Incidentally, I shall by coincidence be in Aunt Myrtle's vicinity in about two month's time and am wondering whether to call on her again.

Looking forwards to your comments, I am yours truly:

Percy Vere.

Since writing the above, a thought has struck me. Where would one obtain concrete in the middle of the night?

Dear Percy,
This is an unfortunate and sad letter that you have sent me and although I don’t wish to make you uneasy, I hope you read this in time, and I cannot stress this enough:

Under no circumstances return to the house of your aunt.

The Urban Dictionary describes ‘concrete shoes’ thus:
‘1. Concrete shoe
A method of human disposal, developed and perfected by the Italian mob. Involves encasing a person's feet in poured concrete, and dumping them, alive or dead, into a deep body of water.

"Luco Brata sleeps with the fishes. We just fitted him for concrete shoes." ‘

Perhaps you are also unaware of the fact that the name Myrtle is Italian in origin. A fierce liquor is made by the naughty men of Corsica and Sardinia from myrtle, red from the berries like the blood that flows, and white from myrtle leaves, as white as a shroud.

The name Vere, although well known throughout Europe, is also Italian in origin.

The fact that you ordered pizza does not escape me

Ready-mix concrete is as the name implies readily available and can be mixed up in the basement easily, especially in small quantities, even sometimes by the elderly. But that still leaves the question unanswered as to why she would have it when she was clearly not expecting you. Perhaps she keeps some on hand for a reason.

Think for a moment! You have not seen your aunt since childhood. Why is that? I will tell you why! You stepped unknowingly into the middle of a family feud still very much alive in the mind of this old Myrtle fool, who may be gaga, which wouldn’t help the case.

I suspect this vendetta revolved around money and power, as most do. I also suspect your side of the family came off the better, explaining the coolness of her attitude and also what occurred in the morning:

At breakfast, you were served steamed graham crackers. Perhaps you are unaware that ‘steamed graham pudding’ was a dish popular during the depression because it was cheap to make, a disgusting mixture of suet, sugar and graham crackers that rich people thought poor people might like. For me this was the final clue, a severe hint that your ‘Family’ are not as popular as they might be with this particular aunt.

You may never find out all the details, but rarely have I seen a clearer warning: To return would be to sign your own death warrant!

You are fortunate to have asked me for help, although I feel you could have worked most of this out for yourself with a little effort.

I do hope this advice hasn’t reached you too late, but I note you only sent a second class stamp with your SAE. If you survive, please let me know. I do care about those who reach out to me! Don’t let ‘this little thing of ours' become yours!

Dame Wotta Tripp

P.S. Am I correct in surmising that she has a fish pond in the garden? Guess who you’ll be sleeping with next time you venture a visit to Aunt Myrtle’s?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=concrete+shoes