Dear Dame Wotta,
I've recently received a letter from a serial killer. Obviously, I'm thrilled by this, but I'm not sure how to go about replying to his amorous advances. (I think this could be love) He's got golden hair (usually blowing in the wind) and some very powerful eyebrows. I'm not sure how to contact him, and I don't want to mess it up by saying something stupid.
My main problem here is, I don't know where he lives, his name, or any of his contact information. All I know is that the minute I first laid eyes on him, as he was flaying a goat, I knew that he was the one. So, naturally, I gave that special look (You know which one I mean) and he gave me a goofy, adorable smile and sent me his best wink.
The next day there was a blood stained letter on my doorstep containing a lot of profanity. (He's got a great sense of humor) The best part is that he said that he would agree to go out with me if I can find him before he finds me, and that I would live to regret it if he finds me first. What a guy! Do you have any advice?
-Hetty Rumbledown
I can quite understand you being thrilled, you are young and such attention can be heady, Hetty.
It sounds as if you fell hard when you first saw him, which is understandable coming suddenly upon him like that, as there must have been a lot of slippery blood, and worse things, but I know that goofy look you mean: The revolting one that makes all men look like constipated cheetahs, serial killers or not.
As you find his physical features to be filled with grandeur and powerful natural forces you probably feel just like a young and inexperienced girl. Don’t for a moment let this fool you.
However young you may be you have now entered into a contest the outcome of which will determine the rest of your life. Despite the charming sense of humor and playful threats, he may be playing hard to get. You were wise to write to Aunty Wotta for advice.
To find him first, you must use appropriate bait, and goats simply won’t do. This is your clue to finding the key to his heart. You must have found him fallen upon hard times, as any goat, even the ones with long wavy fur, are only for the desperately hard up.
You will need at least two people to lure him to you. The details really are up to you as I would need a consultancy fee to create a plan for you.
The really important thing for you to remember is that you MUST (not shouting, sweetie) jump out and 'find' him, in the middle of his flaying or whatever, and cry out "found you!" in your most joyful and excited voice. I can’t stress this enough. When he realizes that he has been found, and someone does care (I believe there are maternal issues at work here) that goofy grin will be back! When he also realizes his gifts were also from you, he will be overwhelmed by your generosity and intelligence.
But be aware, this man will demand absolute loyalty! Either 'pucker up and partner up', or be prepared to lose both him and yourself.
Best wishes and good fortune on your hunt for happiness,
Dame Wotta
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