Seeing Eye To Eye On Fidelity Issue

Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
I have been suspicious of my husband's marital fidelity for the last few months and was intent on finding out the truth. I read long ago that the last image seen by a dying person is recorded on the retina, so when my husband returned home again late for the umpteenth time I waited out of sight by the front door and shot him through the heart as soon as he entered. I knelt by the body and peeled back an eyelid, and looked carefully into his eye, but all I could see was a little me. What shall I do?

Worried Wife.


Dear Worried,
It’s as well you didn’t give me your real name, but one can hardly call you a wife any more, can one?

I suspect you have already secretly completed the last few chores connected to your erstwhile husband’s existence. However, it’s not for me to judge. I consider myself, like a priestess granting favors, to bear a sacred responsibility to keep everyone’s information private. Neither shall you receive any spam from websites selling forensics clean-up tips, or offers of subscriptions to ‘Soldier Of Fortune’ magazine and the like.

For by now you must know what you have done.

You are probably a very stupid person. It’s quite true that the retina records the last image seen. Unfortunately the last image your doomed spouse saw was the entrance to your home, recording clearly where he met his end and making you the number one suspect.

I do not know, nor wish to, where you have deposited the ’remains’, but you must make sure at all costs that the eyes are completely destroyed. I suggest incineration. If this causes you a lot of extra labor, know that you get no sympathy from Dame Wotta.

Please don’t do anything like this again. If I later hear from you in a further missive of this nature, I shall be compelled to speak more sharply to you.

I know money is a problem for many, but I believe in the long run a private detective followed by a divorce is less trouble all round. You could also Google ‘revenge’ for unique ideas if set on retaliation, but please stop several steps short of death.

Dame Wotta Tripp