Four Bottle Technique

My whole family is against me. I’m 29 and the oldest of three brothers, one of whom is me. Oh, yes, hi, Dame, thanks.

The problem ain’t that I still live at home exactly, just who I have to put up with.

I stayed at home to look after Dad because he was wounded most serious in a bar fight and is now a person of disablement. I really wanted to be a mechanic, but now I have to run the farm.

I’ll put it real simple:

1 Dad – He can’t move much more than his evil old tongue, but he yells at me all day long, orders, insults and incorrect agricultural tips mostly, as I’m trying to run the farm.

2 Mom – She’s having it away with the guy who owns the pool hall, Dad being gimped and all, and when she ain’t doing that she’s three sheets to the wind anyway. She don’t shout at me much, but I have to cook and clean, as well as run the farm.

3 Andy, 2^nd eldest, and I guess by default 2^nd youngest too, being in the middle and all. Lazy swine steals my money and only puts in three hour days. He’s sleeping with someone’s wife, and it ain’t his, and that’s not all, but I’ve said enough.

4 Bobby, the youngest, is a good boy at heart and he tries to help, but something ain't right upstairs. Some of the chickens have flown the coop, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he’ll only milk the cows; it’s all he ever wants to do. I have to drag him away from the barn time and again while I’m trying to work alone to make ends meet here, 'cos I have to run the farm. Plus, the cows are getting sore and upset.

Dame, I need advice, but bad. I don’t know which blood relative irritates me most. To cap it, I like a drink myself, but I haven’t been out for near on three years, because I have to run the farm.

Help me please!
Biff

Dear Biff,
I’m sorry to hear about your family, especially your mother. Poor boys! If she’s in bed that much, then she will get tangled in the sheets, sweetie, whatever the weather.

I have devised a fun solution for you free of charge, but you must follow my instructions exactly. You like to have a drink, and so you shall!

Select four different types of liquor in the same size bottles. Label each bottle with the name of one of your family members (don’t spit in them; remember you will be drinking them). The next bit is what makes this sad experiment fun!

Each time a relative irritates you, go and drink an exact shot level from their particular bottle. Keep doing this continually until one of the bottles is empty (my own personal choices here would be tequila, rum, vodka and brandy).

Now you know who irritates you most, and also who takes 2^nd, 3^rd and 4^th place. The rest is simple:

1 Call social services and ask them to pay a visit the following day.

2 Pack your belongings and then order a cab.

3 While you are waiting, mix any remaining liquor in a container and knock it back.

4 Move to another town and become a mechanic.

Because you don’t have to run the farm.

Warmest regards,
Dame