Floating Posers Make Retinal Fairies Take Flight

Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
When I was a little girl growing up in my country village I was rather well known as the girl that could see fairies. For many years these small delightful creatures of light would fly before me everywhere I went, and I would spend hours talking about them to my friends and answering their questions as best I could. Years later I was diagnosed as having a large quantity of retinal debris, but was told that the condition would improve as I became older. Now I have no fairies left, but admit that I do miss them. Do you believe there are real fairies, and how can I get them back into my life again?

Wistfully yours,
Anon.

Dear Anonymous,
It was so nice to read your charming letter.

There are several types of genuine fairies.

What we won’t deal with here are the small fluttery ones that float across your monitor screen every time you visit a site that purports to know about the genuine article. Sprinkling ‘magic sparkle dust’, impeding movement and vision should you wish to continue more deeply into the netherworld of ‘Trixie’s Fairy Palace - Portal to Enchantment’, it confuses you for just long enough for music to begin extremely loudly before you have a chance to back out of the site. This music invariably sounds like 75 babies all micturating side by side into aluminum potties of various sizes.

I hope you never venture further than this anyway onto a site of this nature, especially without ear protection and travel sickness medication. You will not find your fairies here.

But back to your problem, which I can now partially solve.

In accordance with the laws of this sector of the galaxy that we're holed up in, this will create two more problems, which is only right and proper, as fairies do like to see us confused, as well as eating a lot of butter, which they’re good at.

You had floaters, now cleared from your retinal system.

A brilliant but hardly understood gentleman has another shock for you, I’m afraid. Your floaters are real! They have a life of their own and can be easily photographed escaping, as you will see if you visit his site. This poses a problem for many thinkers and researchers.

Unfortunately, your floaters are probably gone for ever, but you may comfort yourself with the fact that fairies are indeed real, and also perceived by many to be a problem.

Featured in this letter is a small one (not the type that would hunt you down) my strange sister Jane photographed. You can click the picture to see more of the damned things, and worse, if you want, but I advise you to stay safely on this page .

I know loads of people who see them all the time. It’s a matter of knowing where to look for them, as with any rare creature.

Please do remember that unlike the imaginary Tinkerbells, they can be larger than humans and hostile on occasion. They’ve been known to abduct, murder and possibly eat us, as well as using us in breeding programs to freshen their semi-compatible bloodlines. Get one of those rushing at your eye in a hurry and you’ll be seeing lights, alright!

If you’re sure you want them in your life, leave fresh butter and cream on a saucer every night out of reach of pets and animals and play gentle, pleasant music, such as Twisted Sister’s ‘Burn In Hell’. They also, like myself, enjoy sparkly things, and I would imagine, curry.

Hope this helps,
Dame Wotta Tripp