Dear Dame Wotta,Before I tell you what’s wrong I want to make sure you know that I love cats, I love all animals, but I adore cats.
That’s what makes my problem so hard to bear. I never hurt anything, not so much as a Giraffe Weevil or an Asian Longhorned Beetle - never.
I adore cats, all of them, but when I’m near to them a strange compulsion often steals very slowly and silkily over me. It tickles, and then the ideas begin. I’m quite creative, well people have said so, my teacher even did, so the ideas come one after the other. I think I’m an artist at heart, really.
I see cats kind of like a blank page, and I have a secret language I call ‘Kittenwritten’ (DO NOT STEAL THIS NAME, Dame, as I am copyrighting it VERY soon) that tells me the best idea I could have for each kitty.
When my cat Candyfloss Stickums (I've included a photo) went to the vet (PRIVATE, I won’t post a defenseless animals medical records, don’t ask me to) a few years ago she had to have a good shaving, and that’s really what started it all. When I got home I stroked her velvety skin and noticed the cutest wrinkles ever! I confess I was soon addicted to this soothing stroking, (as I already had been for a long time to feeling all around and in between cat toes) and the bubbling feeling of happiness that it makes happen.
Eventually her fur grew back, but ever since then I have had to stop myself from shaving Candyfloss. I’ve thought of many patterns to shave, checks, wavy lines, or even all of it off. Then I could get some of those tattoo pens (non-toxic, I’m not that stupid) and decorate her properly. And for different special times of family closeness, like Xmas, I have many, many ideas (I keep a notebook with a lock = PRIVATE – don’t ask me!!).
Best of all would be summer, when I could rub coconut oil all over my cat and into the wrinkles also every day and very best (get this!!) – they get FRECKLES in the sun!
I know deep down inside that I shouldn’t do any of this, and that I need help, but I’m scared one day I’ll break down and do all this at my cat.
I could never afford therapy. Please help me!
There’s no need to feel shame for a moment longer, there are many ways in which we can turn your negatives into positives!
Many, many people feel as you do (my sister Jane, for one), and I feel this impulse lies deep within the human race memory.
People have decorated their animal companions for thousands of years, everywhere. In ancient times cats were beautifully decorated in many countries.
The Celts decorated their pets and today camels and elephants (who also are prone to freckles) are painted with vivid colors. It makes them all very happy.
Be careful if you use coconut oil in the sun, as you might fry your little Candyfloss (I've included her photo above, but I think you'll find you've made a small mistake, and that she may be a little boy!), and although the wicked and desperate are rumored to do this with Mars Bars I think that is the only type of confectionery suitable.
You are supposed to use sunscreen to prevent the possibility of skin cancer, but sunscreen causes skin cancer.
I would try a little bonnet with an extensive brim. She will probably be nice and cool.
But I have a nice surprise for you! Some kitties come ready made with no fur. They have no fur software. They are called Sphynx cats, and this is what I think you need. Candyfloss would like a companion, I’m sure, and then you can leave her fur intact. You could continue to play with her toes and possibly still decorate her anyway: Go to the library and look at the book ‘Why Paint Cats?’ by Burton Silver and Heather Busch.
I have a feeling that if you are truly creative you will see a powerful career opportunity unfurl before you.
If you earn enough for a Sphynx, please call your new feline Dame Wotta, in honor of one who truly yearns to help all who cast their heartaches before her!
Wotta Tripp!
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