Very Poorly, But I Can Help!

Dear Readers,
It’s been brought to my attention that someone you may be familiar with is very poorly and in special need of my assistance. He has in fact called for it, and I am more than happy to oblige. I have discussed with his highly specialized team of psychotherapists at length his shaky mental grip on reality and we have between us come to a decision that will have far-reaching effects.

I will not name him here (it's a few lines down), but have assured him I will immediately book a hefty portion of the next 5 years off to help him, as he so obviously needs it, and I can’t bear to think of all that talent going to waste, what with the chemical sniffing, and all.

I’ve worked out a three-step-program that will improve his attitude (he’ll tell you after reading this that his name is Ethan, but he’s hiding someone) and keep him happy, especially through those difficult first weeks. Just a very little surgery combined with the correct healthful diet and exercise regime, early nights and limited access to contraband should do the trick and return him to some semblance of health. I don’t want anyone to worry, for I believe he’ll be similar to good as new in no time.

The word trepan has it’s origins in the Greek word, trupanon, meaning ‘borer’.

Now most people who hear this imagine this word has to do with the boring of a hole in the skull, but in actuality it refers to the nick-name given to people who had undergone the trepanning procedure, survived, and lived to tell about it at fashionable Greek parties. It was in fact all they could talk about, as surgery was frequently the last and only thing they remembered at all.

It seems that he almost certainly needs immediate emergency surgery to release the pressure from the brain and let out the demons and other possessing entities. Things have changed since the brave days of Ancient Greece. I now provide ear-muffs and nearly always use local anesthetic instead of Magical Passes and hypnosis alone. Also, this time he may remember a bit.

This will also serve to stop him from being funny, but that’s something that cannot at this point be helped. I can hardly allow it to limit or in any way interfere with my own rising star, can I? One has to remain focused. Of course, that’s not why I’m offering to help him anyway. I care, I really do. He’ll still be able to draw some amusement at parties, I’m sure (his name is really Lobo, and that’s the one we’re actually going to be operating on), but he may be a bit wobbly with the pen for quite some time. It’s my wish that everyone will carry on reading his blogs, even as they continue to deteriorate, to affirm your ongoing support and hope for the future.

I would also like all of you who know him to shave your heads as a show of solidarity, and email him photo’s of your new look. It’s a small thing to ask, isn’t it? I believe it will cheer him in his hour of need.

I will inform all his fans and well-wishers of the time and date of the surgery. They will be given an option to join a very special prayer list, protected by a unique password and giving access to an extremely precise set of words that must be repeated aloud rhythmically and over and over exactly when and as I instruct. Write to me privately, darlings.

You can read this person’s crazed ranting by clicking the creepy orange link below, but I advise extreme caution. If you must, get it now, while it lasts, before I put a stop to it for ever!

Predator Press