Co-Respondent In Detroit

Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
I'm a small man, only 5'3" and my wife is above average at 5'9". What makes things worse is that I am a short order chef and experience a lot of ridicule.

Worst thing of all, every garbage day my wife puts me in a garbage bag, ties string around the neck of the bag and under my chin, and wheels me to the top of the drive. The garbage man is used to it, and I think he feels sorry for me. He just lifts me out of the bin, cuts the string, and helps me out of the bag.

I’ve tried wearing elevated shoes, but it doesn’t seem to make a lot of difference. I think my wife is sorry that she married me and is trying to show me that things are pretty much over between us. Do you think I could salvage this relationship, or should I start looking for a tiny wife?

‘Despondent in Detroit’

Dear Des,
You’re in a tight spot there, no doubt about it, as you very almost fall into a certain category as it were, but not quite. Of course, the fact we all shrink somewhat as we age is not going to help your particular, and I must say this, rather peculiar case.

‘Unreasonable Behavior’, which your wife definitely understands the finer points of, will qualify you for a swift divorce, but you will look like a little idiot, which you can’t at your height afford.

If you conduct an affair and then contrive to let the wronged partners know of it, you are almost certain to become involved in their messy and public divorce proceedings. This is how you do it:

Join one of the internet dating services that caters exclusively to the bored spouse and request to meet only ladies 5’4” tall or less. There are many lonely and petite women out there in Detroit. Some of them are even smaller than they once were, due to accidents.

Once you have lured your philandering partner in grime, you must cement the contract with the normal offerings. You want this to be average; it’s the only way it will work. A few dinners, flowers delivered to the office, a small gift – soon revenge will be yours, as this case clearly requires.

Arrange a rendezvous about a week after you have agreed to take your budding relationship one step further. This will give you time to find a good private detective to follow yourself and record your infidelity with dates, times, places and photographic evidence. As soon as the evidence becomes available pay for it. Contact your petite friend’s legal partner anonymously and offer the iniquitous evidence, preferably for a similar price to the one you were forced to part with. Make copies first however, and mail one to your wife, also anonymously.

At this point you will probably be close to gaining your freedom. Do not mourn your tall, willowy, graceful wife. She will soon lose shape when she doesn’t have you to work out with.

Anyway, I fully expect that if you were to stay with her, her behavior would escalate. I’ve seen this type of thing before. All it would take really is one lean Christmas coming up for the waste-disposal person and a hefty tip from your wife. You would be whisked away as quickly as was decent under the circumstances, and you might not get free in time to save yourself. No small loss. Well, not in that way.

If you do it my way you can become ‘Co-Respondent in Detroit’ instead, and that will make you feel, and look, a lot better, and a little bigger also by the warped standards which in this day and age society clutches fiercely to it’s nether regions.

This would be a good time to change your job. Here is what I think you should do. If you became a Head Chef people would only take note of you from the shoulders up. Problem solved. You would also make more money. Have some ambition!

Good Luck, Wotta Tripp!

PS: Are the garbage bags your lady wife is using extra large or just normal? I believe it will help my compassionate readers to come to terms with your plight a little better if they know a few details. For instance, does your wife purchase special decorative garbage bags for Hallowe’en and Christmas? They can be purchased cheaply in bulk from a nasty sounding place named Wal-Mart, if she is interested.