When It Comes To The Crunch

Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
My Uncle Charlie believes there is a lot of good in egg-shells and when he has a boiled egg for lunch the noise is awful. We can't stand the grating crunching noise. We can hear it all over the house.

We've all complained but he says his health comes first. Can you suggest a solution?

A Niece in Distress

Dear Niece,
I fully sympathize and a hundred years ago there were many cruel but simple and powerful techniques you could have used as a family to bring this terrible and anti-social behavior to a halt.

Now, however, Social Services and other such bureaucratic nosy parkers cannot wait to become involved. I believe they utilize an MLM plan that enables interference through a practically infinite number of levels whilst offering numerous affiliate programs for ambitious do-gooders.

My considered and expert opinion has provided two possible solutions:

• If you are not averse to publicity, punish Uncle Charlie in the way you all must wish to, and then report yourselves to the appropriate government agency. Uncle Charlie will be removed from your home permanently. There may be a future literary opportunity writing how-to-cope articles for family magazines, etc. Many people have relatives that are extremely difficult to subdue, and selling information can be very lucrative.

• Do you remember that product that children had painted on their finger and toenails to stop them biting them to the quick? It tastes very bitter and I understand it is an acquired taste. I believe it’s called Stop’n’Grow. Paint this all over the bastard’s egg!

Dame Wotta Tripp