A Sad Case Of Mistaken Identity

My Dear Readers,
A sadder case I have rarely seen:

Dear Dame Wotta,
I have a big problem, I can tell you!

The trouble is I have a sister (one of two) who has set up an 'advice column' on the internet and is now dispensing said advice in a way that is quite likely going to be the death of someone. I am terribly worried about her getting sued.

Let me give you a little bit of background on her. She was born a poor gypsy child on a warm day in August (she was later forced to became middle-class) to extremely normal English parents with average views.

Right from the start it was apparent that she was not normal. She would sit singing little songs to entities in the garden that only she could see. She also became very good friends with a hamster called Sally. This in itself was not so unusual, but our Father later shot Sally while she was innocently exploring the chimney. He was worried she might starve to death if she couldn’t find her own way down. I believe they call it a preemptive strike. This changed her in deep and unusual ways.

On the weekends our Father would take her striding across the fields with his air gun, shooting cow dung for the sheer joy and satisfaction of seeing it splatter. Our Mother would smile patiently, understanding the need for men to have hobbies. My sister treasured these times and held them dear to her heart. Later, when they returned, our Father would often round off the day by gassing a few butterflies so he could stick pins in them and mount them as she looked on.

The point is, even with normal parents, somehow she slid so desperately off track that by the time I came along when she was two and a half years old she was well on her way.

Now I’m not saying I saw her head twist around on her neck to an impossible angle or anything like that (although I did see that later when she was drinking a yard of ale with a rather undesirable Irishman one extremely unpleasant night that no one in the family ever mentions, EVER), that is to say, her head didn’t spin around on her neck, so we, possibly unwisely, ruled out demonic possession and put her oddities down mainly to high spirits. This was a colossal mistake on our part, and we ended up with a conundrum of mighty proportions.

As she grew into adulthood she just grew more peculiar. She developed exotic tastes for the occult and hallucinogens. She also seemed to enjoy discoursing with foul mouthed sailors in questionable public houses, and our parents’ worried night and some of the afternoon too. Luckily we were a fair way from the sea.

The more she drank the more she studied tree sprites and woodland nymphs; she was often seen roaming the village late at night conversing with them. After a while the villagers stopped shrinking into the hedgerows and crossing the road when they saw her. In fact, they just stopped leaving their homes all together after dark, as that made things a lot easier for them.

Later, as she got older, she started getting taken by aliens on a regular basis. She would collapse into bed after a night at the local boozer and then she would be whisked off by those little gray buggers. She never complained once, though. Secretly I think she simply enjoyed all that probing and experimental carry on. She always did like attention.

As she shuffled into womanhood she married and had children. They all turned out to be very peculiar, especially the boys. Soon they too were being taken by aliens for experimental purposes. They too were seen happily conversing with entities! It was just like a re-occurring nightmare!

Having given you some pertinent background detail, I humbly ask you, Dame Wotta, is this the kind of woman who should be carelessly dispensing advice to all and sundry? Do you think she’s stable and grounded enough to direct people to make sensible choices?

Yours sincerely
Your Worried ‘er Reader

Dear Worried’er,
How quaint, I love Irish names!

You will be relieved to find that I understand your conundrum, and I believe I can help you reach some kind of closure. I sense here a kindred spirit to the wandering wind.

Split personality is becoming more common in today’s society and has been doing so for over a century. Now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, it is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person exhibits multiple distinct personalities, such as you seem to be doing.

Identifying with this strange personality will obviously be difficult for you – I certainly wouldn’t want to attempt it myself without serious and possibly illegal medication – but it’s very important that you attempt to integrate this extra identity.

Your Father has much to answer for! Hamsters are very special and pure desert creatures that are privy to many of life’s most haunting esoteric secrets. I am left in no doubt that when Sally was ripped from your bosom and so foully executed a part of your heart went with her. This led to a lull in your true spiritual education and also caused a soul-fragment to flee to the dark and nameless wood where they all do tend to end up.

A soul-retrieval will be necessary, and possibly an exorcism also. I can save you. Write to me privately and I will arrange a special night visitation from one of my omnipresent selves. This special healing modality was taught to me by extraterrestrials very long ago. It will integrate all of the ‘you’s’ and render your problem down to a small stain on the memory. This can later be removed with oxygen products.

The personality in question sounds quite disturbed and I agree should not be dispensing advice to all and sundry. Do not under any circumstances allow this entity to give advice again. I repeat, NO ADVICE, it could be very dangerous for all concerned. I think that when you are better the urge to tell others what to do will vanish and you will be normal, like myself.

I implore you, instead of worrying about money and the possibility of being sued, please write to me before it’s too late!

Your Concerned Adviser,
Dame Wotta Tripp

PS: I’ve never heard of a grown person mounting a butterfly before. How exactly is this achieved?

PPS: I myself have also frequently been taken by aliens and have so far found the experience to be extremely gratifying.