Delirious Fetish Dressing For Wedding Salads

Hello, Dame Wotta.
I would like to know your opinion on one thing:

What kind of salad dressing should I throw at my wedding guests that will not leave stains?

Let me cut to the chase. I have a fetish. It involves salad dressing.

I just don't think I can truly love my fiancé until she accepts this fetish and/or develops a similar or even more exciting one. She's 39 and I'm 42. We're a good looking couple and we have been together for 3 years. What more could I want, right? Wrong. I need to cover people in salad dressing, and I thought that if she and I could do this together, at our wedding, then she would learn to love it (i.e. Exposure therapy for a fear of snakes involving holding and eating raw snakes).

Whenever I ask her to wear the dressing it upsets her. She's a bit of a selfish cow in that way, but I thought that maybe if I can convince her that I'm right and that she's wrong during the wedding it'll be worth it. (It has to be during the wedding because I've dreamed of my honeymoon being a certain way for three years. Whenever I smell that vinaigrette, I just tingle inside.) The thing is, I have to get enough dressing on her and everyone else so that she can see how lovely it truly is. (I tried this surprise conversion method at home once and it did not go well. She thinks that she didn't like it. I assume that if I had more dressing that she would have realized that she liked it a lot.)

I don't mind if her wedding dress gets stained (that would be kind of nice) but I don't want to stain my favorite orange tie. What brand of dressing would you recommend?

Your admirer, Nigel

PS If you could send me a proper photo of yourself without the hat I could Photoshop it and show you what you would look like in ‘thousand islands’, if this interests you?

Dear Nigel,
Well, you are a special boy, aren’t you?

Unlike your average person, I’m not interested in dressing without salad, but only for dinner, so I find myself unable to grant your request.

The more practical solution to your problem I may be able to help you deal with.

Any obsessive preoccupation can swiftly become abnormal if you cannot allow yourself to have a fulfilling relationship with one who does not share your (in this case, excessively messy) compulsion.

It may make more sense to cut your losses and save her from future heartbreak by admitting to your fiancée the full extent of your grossly distorted desires, and honestly telling her that it would be easier for you to live without her than without salad dressing.

If she still wants your worthless and oily hide after this, there is nothing further I can do. At this point it might make more sense to have a themed wedding, beginning your new life as you mean to go on, with every single relative and guest associated with both families hating you utterly and in unison. You may also have to sell all your wedding gifts to cover dry-cleaning bills.

If you must continue up this slippery slope then nothing can alter the fact that it will be a long slide downhill from the top, with a bumpy but squishy landing. Some will wash their hands of you, and rightly so, because the marks, scuffs and fingerprints persons such as yourself leave behind are nothing short of criminal. You are an expensive nuisance!

Having said that, if you are determined to go ahead, below is my recipe for Delirious Fetish Dressing, especially designed for your adult-only wedding reception to set those lovely tingles going. If the wedding is called off, this recipe can be used for those yummy ‘dressing-down everyone’ parties.

Delirious Fetish Dressing (or Serious S*lad Semen), bulk serving:

48 cups white wine vinegar
96 cups liquid virgin coconut oil
96 cups virgin olive oil
3 oz fresh dill weed
6 oz fresh weed
6 oz organic honey
Lemon, orange and grapefruit zest to taste
Dash of Tabasco only (careful of all those precious eyes!)
Sea salt and ground black pepper to taste

Blend until the consistency appears correct – do not over-homogenize. Best refrigerated for 48 hours. Allow 2 hours at room temperature before use.

Reserve a portion for hurling at party guests. May I suggest one and a half cups per person. Afterwards you will need the recipe below for removing the stains and, possibly, a solicitor.

Serious S*lad Semen Removal (works well for fabric and skin):

This is the only chance you will have to remove the stains. Blot the areas by stroking gently with a dampened sponge. Apply Stubben Saddle Soap and scrub vigorously with a stiff-bristled brush. This works for asphalt stains too. Now mix a lot of dish-washing liquid with equal parts of glycerine and a lot more water. Load into high-powered water pistols and arm all your guests. Fight until everyone comes clean.

I wish you all the best,
Wotta Tripp

PS: About your orange tie, if you don’t want to get dressing on it, try encasing it in a long plastic bag before you don it for your special day!