What The Dickens?

Dear Dame Wotta Tripp,
I am writing to ask for your support.

I am working on a breeding experiment with birds. It is my purpose to cross chickens with ducks. It is possible that the resulting hybrid bird would be designated either a chuck or a dicken; at this stage it is immaterial.

The advantages to the chicken would be manifold. It would be able to:

• Swim to safety if it fell into a large body of water.

• Fly away in order to escape from a particularly bossy or otherwise obnoxious cockerel.

• Emigrate without having to wait at border crossings.

• More readily escape from forest fires.

• Go for a walk if it so desired.

I am sure your fertile mind can envisage many other benefits.

So far as the duck is concerned, it would be able to:

• Roost in trees to avoid night prowlers;

• Walk with less of a waddle, thereby avoiding possible coarse comments.

• Lay smaller eggs, making parturition less uncomfortable.

• Avoid prickly undergrowth and dirt, as its belly would be further from the ground.

• Be permanently dissociated from that dreadful Disney character.

I am not soliciting financial assistance. I would just like you to broadcast this idea so that the world may be prepared to welcome this new and improved creature.

Yours truly,
Norman Tailor (PhD)

Dear Norman,
I can see that you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I can also see the advantages of your project.

My personal fascination with genetic engineering goes back to the long-lost days of Atlantis where for a while a lot of fun was had by all. How clever of you to know!

If I were to again take an interest in a program such as this I must make it clear that my primary concern would be in the return of winged cats with opposable thumbs. Having legions of such creatures in my armies has in the past proved indispensable, but the glory days are long gone, and it is pointless to dwell upon them.

Although your breeding program is doubtless fascinating, I can see no commercial value for anyone, as your concern is all for the comfort and well being of your chucks or whatever the dickens you call them.

This is diametrically opposed to the industrial and marketing techniques of the planet at the present time, but how gratifying to hear from one so spiritually advanced! This unfettered freedom is not permitted for any flocks at present, including but certainly not limited to, poultry, humans and cattle.

A head for science is not a head for business.

If you can design a cow that gives ale then you have it made. That’s good marketing.

Perhaps if you crossed a duck with a fork tailed drongo you would have a practical bird. These African birds are very hardy and aggressive, protecting their nests from all comers. As they also nest high in the forks of trees the eggs tend to remain safe.

By crossing these species you may take advantage of several benefits. Your new egg-layers can safely nest in already established orchards. This will also create employment for transients who wish to make a bit of money climbing for the eggs, thus benefiting mankind a little.

These new birds will also keep harmful insects down, thus bettering the orchard crop. Now that’s maximizing your assets! Perhaps a slight change of focus is needed for your all-round success.

I can’t at present think what you might call it, but let us ask our esteemed readers for ideas.
What do you think one should call a fork tailed drongo crossed with a duck?

Please email Dame Wotta, dear ones, to submit your ideas and help Mr. Norman Tailor.

Thank You!
Dame Wotta Tripp