INTERVIEW WITH DAME WOTTA TRIPP

By Velocity Starkk of Nebula Magazine

VS: Dame Wotta, I know people ask you this a lot, but how did you come by your title?

DWT: Well actually, dear, no, people aren't usually rude enough to ask, but as I’m committed to openness and honesty I’ll relate the story for your readers.

To put it plainly, I received the Order of the Bath accidentally at a party. As you know, I’m British, and as a young girl was asked to several wildly inappropriate parties in London attended by some very well known public figures.

The incident occurred when I visited the powder room. I was wearing a military uniform at the time, and was followed through the door, unbeknownst to myself, by a member of the royal family who had arrived at the party in disguise, and who also turned off the light as they entered.

An unseemly tussle ensued, and although I believe I won, at some point our weapons interlocked and we were both unable to solve the resulting puzzle.

My cries for help were eventually heard, and foolish words were said by my blue-blooded assailant that resulted in me being knighted for misperceived military valor before witnesses as we were disentangled.

My title was finalized at a later date to save further embarrassment in certain quarters.

VS: I appreciate you telling us this, I really do. In what ways did it change your life?

DWT: It made me want to do something useful with my life. I stopped going to parties of that nature and settled down to some serious studying. I wasn’t like the other girls you know, I was too busy studying psychology, Celtic and other ancient histories, trepanning, theology, metaphysics, quantum sciences, herbs and poisons, animal communication, the paranormal, the occult, exorcism and even further, into the darkest far-reaches of the human – and inhuman psyche – fearless in my exploration, constantly forging ahead, never faltering, stopping only to reach out to others stumbling upon life’s potholed back-roads, using my profound knowledge of human nature to lift them up and dust them off with my soothing, practical and well-founded advice. Many have written to thank me for redeeming them.

VS: Wow, well, that’s incredibly impressive, and possibly deserving of your title. Is it true, Dame Wotta, that you have a twin sister, also in the public eye?

DWT: Well, yes, Jane, she’s a fairly well known artist and ghost photographer also, like myself.

VS: What kind of work does she do, and are you close to her?

DWT: She paints the Otherworld, then photographs it, heaven knows why. We’re not that close. She perceives me as being somewhat harsh on occasion, but my view is that tough love sometimes works better than her damned foolish unconditional love. All that leads to is strange home décor and too many cats. Of course, I do love her, really. I just wish she’d toughen up. Perhaps she should write to me.

VS: Wotta is an interesting name. Where is it from?

DWT: You mean, what is its origin.
It’s Saxon. Are you struggling to find suitable questions to ask me?

VS: I apologize, Dame Wotta, I’ll change the subject. Isn’t it true that you have in fact faced several lawsuits directly related to advice you have given to those who came to you looking for help? I believe in one case a man was saved at the last moment from committing suicide after becoming completely demoralized by your advice?

DWT: Indeed. He was intercepted while attempting to climb into the lion enclosure of a game farm in the middle of the night. I’m very glad that they did stop him, and I mean that sincerely. I don’t think that lions should have to put up with that kind of thing.

VS: You don’t seem to feel any remorse. Is that normal?

DWT: Well, it is for me, dear. I told him that if he was too scared to actually have a life, then perhaps he could be of better service to some other part of the food chain. I meant him to attempt for a job in the food industry, where I felt he might fit in.
I cannot take responsibility for those who are candidates for Darwinian Awards.

VS: So you don’t feel any sense of responsibility for those you advise?

DWT: Towards those you advise.

I do, of course, up to a point. But I prefer to help people take responsibility for them selves. There is no antidote for the utter stupidity I often encounter in the letters I receive, and it does make me love them, it really does, but sometimes a little harshly. And you have to remember that I am myself dealing with Aspergers Syndrome as well as a variety of complex obsessive-compulsive issues. Dusts of different varieties can be a problem for me. It isn’t easy writing to all those poor suffering people. You think about it!

VS: Well, I will think about it.

DWT: I don’t think you will much, dear.

VS: Will you continue to advise people for the foreseeable future?

DWT: As long as people need me. Time’s run out for you, dear. I have another appointment. A word of advice: Be a little more assertive and change that mousey hair color you insist on showing to the world. That will do wonders for your self-esteem. Do write if you need advice!