Stealing People Is Wrong.

Dear Dame Wotta,

I have gotten into terrible trouble and I don’t know what to do.

About three months ago I stole somebody and locked them in a special room in the basement, mainly because I was so lonely.
I wanted someone to talk to in the night (I can never sleep well) and to play games with. This person, who I can’t say the name of, did not turn out like I expected. They cry a lot and won’t speak.
I got so mad once that I prodded them through the bars with a long stick for ages, shouting. I don’t usually shout, so this upset me a lot.
This didn’t turn out like I hoped. Now I’m scared. If I let them go it’s my belief they will tell on me with no mercy.

I cannot bring myself to slay this person.
Please, please tell me what to do!

Hopeless in Alabama

You certainly do seem to be hopeless, don’t you, but nethertheless perhaps you are redeemable. It isn’t for me to say.

In all my years helping people I have rarely had anyone write in with such an interesting problem.
You are quite right not to kill this person. It isn’t a socially acceptable solution, and anyway could go horribly wrong. Having said that, it is not my place to moralize but to give sound advice.

It sounds as though you have let this person see you.

My advice to you is to keep this person just a little while longer. During this time do the following: Change your identity, job and state. Find a new home.

On moving day, which you must handle alone, change your looks entirely, hair color, everything. Rent a vehicle. Disguise yourself, buy a mask. Wear it. Drug your friend’s morning cuppa with a reliable sleep medication. When they are deeply asleep bind them tightly and then get them into your vehicle as discreetly as possible. Drive them to a city at last 200km away from where you will be living.
At this point you will need a small funnel and a mickey of high-proof alcohol. Get as much alcohol as possible into them via the funnel, and then carefully roll them out of your rental vehicle outside a Salvation Army hostel. You can rest assured that your friend will receive the best of care.
Immediately move to your new home and make sure that you never ever do anything like this again. Get counseling.

Drop me a line in a couple of years and let me know how you are doing.

Good Luck – Wotta Tripp